Screaming Girl vs. Happy Girl

Dan is still feeling too weak to walk anywhere, so I bring Liliana back to the apartment for both the morning and afternoon visits.

The morning goes horribly.  She screams.  She arches her back and pushes against Dan’s chest.  She wants to be let down…or go to Mama.  Dan puts his earplugs in, holds her, and rocks her.  He opens the gigantic apartment windows, shows her the cars, the dogs–all things she loves.  She sobs anyway, until she’s exhausted and her snot covers everything.

She is the quintessential picture of sorrow.

There are little interludes of distraction–oh, what’s that?–and she forgets that she’s not supposed to let her guard down, and in those moments, she’s a little charmer.

In comparison, the afternoon goes splendidly.  She lifts her arms in delight and runs to greet me.  When we get back to the apartment, Dan starts up his laptop and iTunes.  Ah, that’s it!  Just what the doctor ordered.  She starts swaying and wiggling her hands to Mason Jennings, Jack Johnson, and U2.

She busily sorts through a pile of clothes she knows are hers.  In fact, whenever she comes to the apartment, one of the first things she does is take off her “orphanage” shoes to put on “our” shoes for her.  [Strangely enough, as soon as she’s displeased with us, she wants “our” shoes taken off!]

We hope that these crying sessions will be fewer and fewer, but who knows how long it will take for her to know that we love her (and that we’ll love her no matter what)?  It’s all so frustrating–this back and forth part.

What she doesn’t know yet is that we’re in it for the long haul.

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The quote I live by

Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day.
--Rainer Maria Rilke in Letters to a Young Poet

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