Blog
 

Child Abandonment & Abuse

I’m feeling much better.  Just a little weak.  Dan is worse.  Since he’s been in bed for three days now, he can’t get comfortable, and sleep comes intermittently.  In other words, he’s miserable.  We can’t go to the orphanage yet another day.  We’re disappointed, but it can’t be helped.

I shut off parts of the apartment to do laundry, wash the dishes, and clean a little.  I bring him apple juice and water and Tylenols (he always refuses pain medications, so he must be in excruciating pain!).

I thought I’d show you a picture of a poster we’ve been seeing everywhere in Yalta–on buildings, on rotating billboards, on posts.  There’s a top part to it, a header, which is not included in the above photo, that says “Do Not Abandon Your Child.”  I had to ask our translator what it said.  The part that you can see says something along the lines of “I can’t feed myself” or “I can’t take care of myself.”  And then it’s signed (in red) “Your Child.”  [Igor and Elena, am I translating that right, or do I have it horribly wrong?]

I ask, “Is it really that big of a problem?”

She nods.  “A huge problem.”  That’s when she explains (similar to a previous post on this blog) that mothers give their children up to the government, so they can receive a stipend and get the government to take care of their child (in the way of orphanages).  “It doesn’t make sense.  The government tells you not to abandon your child, and then it supports the abandonment.”

Their rules aren’t working, if that’s the goal.  They will continue to increase the numbers in their orphanages if they keep rewarding the mothers for abandonment.  The translator says that the mothers know to mark the box on the application form that says “temporarily,” and in that way they’re confirmed a stipend, because they’ve promised this won’t be a permanent situation.  I say “mothers,” when I really mean “parents.”  Here in the Ukraine, they reference the mother only, as if the father doesn’t matter.  The fathers are automatically assumed to be deadbeat dads.

A distinction must be made, I think.  I think it is valiant of the mother if she is truly looking out for the welfare of her child, and she feels that she cannot give her child the proper care.  If that’s the case, she should give the child up, and stop visiting, so the child can be adopted, which, of course, would be gut-wrenchingly hard for an honest mother to do.  I don’t envy her position.

If the mother neglects the child by drinking or drugs or abuse, then I think you could put her in the same category as an abuser, and the following applies to her (and her lover) in what I’m going to say next.  Beware: I have very strong words for child abusers of any kind, so if you don’t want my personal opinion, skip this post.

Maybe I shouldn’t say this.  Maybe I shouldn’t insinuate that I could be any nobler in the same situation–wondering where my next meal is coming from, or being in an abusive spousal situation that is impossible to leave, or wanting better for my child.  Because I do believe we each are days, maybe hours, away from being criminals, if we’re put under enough duress.  [Look at the disparate responses in the Holocaust camps.  Some rose to the occasion, the best they could.  Others couldn’t.  What made it that way?]

But (you knew this was coming).

I speak for myself.  Coming from abuse, and I mean abuse in the way that no child should experience it, where the force of the adult parent is way too harsh for a small child, I think all child abusers should be locked away and lose all parental rights, permanently.  There is absolutely no excuse to harm a child.  My blood boils just talking about it.  The perpetrator has to be so small, has to have such a low self-esteem, has to be so angry with the world, that he or she lashes out at a tender little soul who is utterly defenseless.

Having met Liliana, I can’t imagine ever doing those things to her that were done to me.  It’s not an option.  Oh, don’t worry, I’m not naive.  I will struggle like any parent does.  I will fail miserably–yelling out harsh words, or resorting to meanness when I’m tired.  What I’m talking about is chronic abuse, in whatever form.  We may immediately think “sexual abuse” when we hear the phrase “child abuse,” but there are so many other forms of abuse: beating a child until his back and legs are black-and-blue (may I just ask: why hit a child when you teach him not to hit?), yelling horrid and untrue things because you’re too angry to see straight, continually commenting on and mocking physical traits that you don’t like, withdrawing love when the child does something wrong, lying about a situation because you think you can’t tell the truth to a child.  All of this comes under the category of abuse.  The only thing that should save an chronic abuser from the lock-up I’ve prescribed above is that fact that he or she is actively seeking professional help to resolve his or her internal issues, so that he or she doesn’t take it out on the child.

[If you want to watch two movies that are great movie club selections, because of the discussions that would result, see Gone Baby Gone and The Woodsman.]

That’s my opinion.  Even if you didn’t ask for it.  Kind of a gloomy post, huh?

Leave a Reply