Dan and I talked a lot this weekend about certain aspects of parenting that work much better when the parent knows him- or herself, when the parent can react to the child out of maturity, not out of anger.  I’ll give a couple of examples.  These happen to be (externally) good examples, but I wasn’t necessarily feeling good when I did them.  Does that make sense?

On Sunday, Liliana was curious at all the check registers I had out on my desk.  I was compiling all our receipts and tax information in order to do taxes.  I handed her one.  She studied it, pretending to read from it.  I asked for it back, as in, “Liliana, may I please have that back?”  She looked at me quickly, then plopped down on the bottom step of the staircase, and said, “Just a second.”  Now I knew I couldn’t grab it from her (that’s just impolite, and it teaches her the opposite of what I’m going for), but I also didn’t want to stand around, waiting for her second to become several minutes.  But, I thought, it’s okay.  She’s curious.  I’ll wait.  The whole issue never became, in my mind, something about Liliana Against Mama–Who Will Win?  And because of that, it was just a second, and she handed it back to me, nodded her head, and ran off.  Mission accomplished.

Another example.  I was cleaning up her myriads of books off the floor, setting them on the coffee table, so she can actually see them.  I was in another world, trying to get the house straightened, and suddenly, she gasped, “Ooh, pretty sun.”  Our house is situated so that sunrise and sunset can be readily seen from the windows, so this is a common occurrence, her noticing and exclaiming over the sun, the sky, the moon.  I, briefly, just for a moment, thought, I have to get this done, then I was laughing at myself and saying, “Oh, Liliana, it is pretty.  Beautiful!”  My heart filled up with love for her.

This conscious effort to stop, slow down, is second nature now.  There is no hurry (only because I plan loads of time to do things…).  There is just Liliana Time, which operates under different rules and guidelines.

Dan and I have been discussing, too, the horrid things that adults do to children, simply because they themselves have low self esteem or an uncontrollable rage.  All this filth gets rained down on the child, not for what the child has or hasn’t done, but only because their parent is an awful human being for those few minutes (or days, if you had a parent like that).

Recently, on Dan’s end, a discussion has arisen among Facebook friends, about abuses from previous coaches.  Keep in mind that my husband went to a Christian high school; he should have had stellar examples.  But the fact is, he didn’t, and the appalling way in which these men acted still infuriates me.  I was close friends with another guy from those teams (before I met Dan), and he, too, got clobbered (slap to the face, fist to the chest) by these men–psychologically, emotionally, physically.

Here’s the deal, though.  Everyone points to the one person who held his or her head above the fray, as a good example, a righteous individual.  Okay now, please, what’s wrong with this picture?  Those supposedly healthy individuals watched as you got tossed around and beat up.  Those strong and moral people counseled you on how-to-handle-what-you-were-going-through or put Band-Aids on the broken skin.  And here’s that refrain of mine again: Really?  Seriously?  That’s what you believe?  Well, cling to that miniscule shred of hope, because I’m here to tell you that those people who do nothing are worse than the perpetrators!  Yes, worse.  They stood by and did nothing!

My blood boils on this issue, if you can’t tell.  Yes, Liliana can be a brat.  She can be talk-backy and crabby and mean, but just because she is, doesn’t mean I can be.  I should be older and wiser and kinder, and show her the way.  That’s my responsibility as a parent, and it’s a serious kind of task that cannot be taken lightly.

This is a regular discussion around our house.  We’re continually talking over Liliana, as in, “Well, I told her that she couldn’t do that, so maybe we could stand together on that one,” or “She’s a slow eater, so you can’t ask her if she’s done yet,” or “I make her say ‘Please’ before I give that to her.”  And so on.  It’s constant, and it’s draining.  I understand completely now how a single parent might go insane.  So much is required of him or her.

These kinds of thoughtful processes can be used in any relationship.  All you have to do is “see” yourself in action; in other words, when you’re talking to another person today, pull back and “watch” what’s going on.  Is the person angry or happy?  And do you have anything to do with that?  Are you making comments that help you but not them?  What are your motives?  To win the conversation or to listen?

Just something to think about on a Monday morning, as you plunge back into your work week.  May you be perceptive and wise.  May you turn up the music and dance…and kiss those kids again and again and again.

[Post image: Liliana singing “You Are My Sunshine” to Baby]