My friend Kelly (as well as others of you who gave excellent examples!) posed a good question in the comment section of my Sunday’s post.  Sunday’s post was about eliminating those awful voices in your head, that tell you how to behave and what to say, when you know in your heart that they’re ridiculous and ill-founded.  Much of this comes from societal values foisted upon us.  Other voices hark back to our upbringing.  It’s up to us to silence them so that we can do the work we have to do, especially with our children.

I’m no expert on child-rearing, having been a new parent for such a short while.  I can only offer up ideas that I’m currently using (or hope to use) that seem to be feasible and of value.  Much of this I came to by reading attachment parenting books and reflecting on the things I didn’t receive (and needed) as a child.  [This, coming from a parent who sobbed all the way home from Montessori today.  This, coming from a parent whose daughter is potty-trained, but whose daughter had THREE accidents within the space of 2 1/2 hours during Montessori.  This, coming from a parent who accomplished her five to six writing pages today, but didn’t get to have breakfast with her child, because her child’s nanny was doing that.  This, coming from a parent who waited behind her study doors, sobbing while her daughter, near tears, walked out the door on her way to Montessori, begging, “See Mama?  See Mama?  See Mama?”  This, coming from a parent who knows she’s not ruining her child…after all, I have her all afternoon and evening…but who cannot wrap her head or her heart around it.]  I thought you should know who you’re dealing with.  I’m not going to pretend I’m perfect.  What is the good in that?

Let’s see.  Where to begin.

The General and Proper Treatment of Children

Validation.  That’s a key one for me, not having received that when I was growing up.  By validation, I mean validation of the child’s feelings or perceptions.  I once read an example, and perhaps I’ve already mentioned this here, where a couple was arguing quite hotly behind closed bedroom doors, and their little boy was sitting in the hallway outside the bedroom, listening.  When his mother came out, he said, “Is everything okay?” and with a cheery voice she scooped him up and said, “Of course, sweetie.  Everything’s fine.”  As you can imagine, he begins to read between the lines.  He learns to read facial tics, eye movements, and hand gestures.  He learns to behave according to what you mean, not what you say.

Along with this comes the ability to reflect on their moods, and to determine what they’re feeling right now.  Seriously, not many adults can do this.  When was the last time you had an argument with your spouse, and suddenly you’re spouting off a long list of slights that you’ve had bottled up inside of you for weeks?  Your astonished spouse asks, “What are you really mad about?” and again, you begin your spiel.  “No,” he says, “what’s triggering all this?” and you have to pause a minute to figure it out.  And then it comes spilling out.  “I felt hurt that you chose to work for a couple of hours on Sunday than spend time with me and the kids.”  Wow.  It took all that to get the truth?  This is how clueless most of us are, at any given time, to what and how we’re actually feeling.  If you’re really serious about this, you can have your child (if he or she is older) help you with a photo album of different facial expressions.  Trust me, kids love visuals, rather than the abstract, at least until they get the hang of it.  If your child is younger, take pictures of yourself.  Take a bunch of photos: mad, glad, happy, surprised, sad, furious, jealous.  Have them help you make a list.  Then, the next time there’s an altercation, take out the photo album and have them find the picture that most represents their mood at that present moment.  Then ask why.  Consistency is imperative with this one.  I started Liliana out with Baby Faces, and was amazed at how fast she learned them.

Require your child to look you in the eye.  This teaches respect, and you have his or her attention when you’re talking to them.

Give your child choices, but make them choices that you will accept.  “Becky, do you want to wear the red coat or the blue coat?”   “Mark, do you want beef stew or tomato soup?”  Kids love to be important…and to help, if only you’ll let them.

Create larger time spaces around events or appointments.  What is the fun of running around, screaming at your kids because you’re late, and they’re late, and you’ll never make it on time, and now the day is RUINED, and everyone’s crying?  I plan on an extra half hour to forty-five minutes, easily, around any event.  I want to give L. time to process and transition from one thing to the next, and since she’s learning to do things herself, her pace is much slower.  That’s okay.  You have to be patient.  As much as you’d like more sleep, or more time to “do your thing,” it’s much more pleasant for the both of you if you’re enjoying what you’re doing.  If you’re running around stressed, believe me, they pick up on it.

Tell them what’s coming up.  Here’s an example of what I tell Liliana right before she goes down for her nap, so she knows what to expect after she wakes up.  “When you wake up, you can put your pretty dress on, and we can put your Hello Kitty boots on, and you and Mama will go on a walk to get the mail and to take the trash down.  Would you like that?”  She’s always understood somehow, because the first thing she says when I walk down the stairs toward her open bedroom door is, “Pretty dress?”  She seems happy when I tell her the sequence of events.  And after each step of the process, she asks about the next one.  It’s her way of keeping her world in order, and I respect that.  After all, I would like to be told what’s going to happen in my day.  Another example, before potentially scary situations: When we knew Liliana would be getting her cast off, we prepped her.  We said, “A doctor is going to cut your cast off–bzzzzzzzzzzz!–right here.  Your cast will come off, and you’ll be able to see your arm!”  The next day, the cast room people couldn’t get over that she didn’t cry, but right before the tech had pulled out the saw, she had looked over at me and said, “Bzzzzzzzzzzz?”  And I said, “Yes.”  This technique is also helpful when you have to give warnings about when it’ll be time to leave or time to go to bed: “In ten minutes, you’ll have to pick up your toys, because we’re leaving.”  If you were having fun with your friends, would you want to be picked up and dragged out of the house with no warning?

Share your feelings with your child.  If you’re angry with them, because they’ve been mean to a sibling, or because they’ve lashed out and hit you, say to them, “Mama’s sad,” or “Mama’s mad.”  You’d be surprised what putting yourself in a time-out can do.  L. wanders over to my chair and tries to “make up.”  She smiles and caresses my arm.  And that’s when I can have the most meaningful conversation with her, because she’s sorry.  Don’t be afraid of feelings.  Just deal with them in an age-appropriate way.  Now, there’s always a danger to this, because your child will realize, somewhere down the line, that they can hurt you, and with this knowledge comes power.  But there’s nothing to be done about that.  You are being true to what is right.  If they ever abuse their power, again, you’ll have to have a discussion.  “Sally, I can’t force you to behave a certain way.  You have to choose whether or not you want to be a kind person or a mean person.  Which will it be?”  In other situations, you might have to state your needs or your problem.  “In a half hour, we’re having the Nelsons over, and I need your toys picked up.”  Or “I know you want to stay and play on the jungle gym, but I need to pick up some groceries for dinner.”  You’ll be doing your child a huge favor if they can see you as needing things, too.

Ask questions.  Lots of questions.  Not probing questions, but sincere I-really-want-to-know questions.  Without giving anything away, I’ll tell a story.  There once was a woman who had a high school daughter who would go out and have a good time, and often that good time would revolve around smoking and drinking and…well, we won’t go there.  When the daughter would arrive home, mostly past curfew, the mother would be waiting up for her daughter.  Of course, the mother suspected something.  Of course, the mother wanted the truth.  But here’s what she did.  She said, “Come here and give me a hug,” which the daughter did, but in the process of the hug, the mother took an audible sniff–inhale, actually–of the girl’s hair and neck.  Then she released her.  “Goodnight,” she said.  Now, do you think the girl thought her mother had her best interests at heart?  How could that mother been more honest and forthright with her questions?  Children always know the real reasons you do things, so away with the deception, and let’s try honesty for once.

Labeling is a no-no.  I’ll give a few examples from Becoming the Parent You Want to Be: A Sourcebook of Strategies for the First Five Years by Laura Davis and Janis Keyser.  Praise is often conditional and often focuses on the end product.  What you want is to “mirror” the child back to himself in a non-judgmental way, acknowledging him.

“Acknowledgment: ‘I see you’ve been painting a long time and your picture has a red line all the way around it.’
Praise: ‘What a pretty picture!’

Acknowledgment: ‘Thank you for helping to wipe off the table.  Now it will be all clean for breakfast.’
Praise: ‘You’re such a good boy!’

Acknowledgment: ‘Wow, you came down by yourself.  You’ve been working on learning to come down that pole for so long, and now you can do it!’
Praise: ‘You are so brave!’”

Point out something different each day, and remember to point out the something from yesterday, to tie it to today.  Example: The other day we went on a walk–Dan, myself, and Liliana–through the woods.  We taught her the word “moss” and “bark,” letting her feel their different textures.  Then we let her find examples of them.  Sure enough, the next day, she was showing us moss and bark.  She feels a part of our world–included–and secure that she’s learning important things.

When it’s not morally important that your child’s choice match yours (and this includes the choices you want them to make because you don’t want to be embarrassed in front of your friends), let them make a choice for themselves.  Example: When little L. had a choice of colors for her second cast (believe me, they gave her all sorts of choices!), black was among them.  Now, I don’t know about you, but I’m thinking goth baby–not so cute.  But I let her choose (she chose lime green), and had she chosen black, I would have gone with it.  Life is too short to be arguing about the colors I like vs. the colors she likes.  Just wait until she wants that black bedroom with mirrors everywhere!

When you’re angry, don’t blame.  By saying, “You are ruining my day” or “You make me so mad,” you’re giving them the power to control your day.  No one can make you miserable except yourself.  Instead, say, “When you don’t clean your room like I asked you to, I feel like you’re ignoring me.”  Or “When you grabbed and squeezed me like that, I felt scared and angry.”  Put the responsibility on you.  “I feel this way.”  And remember, it’s never too late to apologize, even to babies who might not understand you.

Know what your child can handle.  If your child needs a nap or quiet time, make sure he or she gets it.  It might become a non-negotiable part of your day, and that’s just the way it is.  I’ve had to tell close friends that I’ve taken myself off the social calendar right now, because I know what I can and cannot handle.  The same should be true of your child.

Remember you are older.  Do not take a child’s outbursts of anger personally.  She does not hate you.  She hates the situation, and she doesn’t know how to adjust.  If you handle it with aplomb, she will do better next time.  She’ll have had a role model.

If you’re having food issues, then start slow by providing healthy well-rounded meals with some of their favorites.  If they don’t eat it, then the plate goes into the fridge for later.  They don’t get snacks.  They don’t get dessert.  I can’t tell you the number of friends we’ve visited who fix two separate meals for themselves and their children.  Why?  Now you’ve created kids who will only eat hot dogs and pizza.  If your child just doesn’t like broccoli, perhaps that’s the one thing you’ll have to avoid (unless you can hide it in something else, like muffins).  You have a right, as a parent, to cook one meal.  If your child doesn’t like it, then they wait for the next meal.  Can I just say that this makes dining out much more of a pleasure, and you avoid picky eaters?

Talk about genitals like you would any other part of the body.  It’s important that they know all of them is beautiful and that there’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Concrete Ways of Showing Love

To foster camaraderie among siblings, perhaps you can have a jar on the kitchen sink.  Label it something like Kind Things or Secret Friend or Surprises.  I’m sure you can come up with something way more creative!  If your children are writing, have them draw names at the beginning of the week.  Small written notes and tiny trinkets go into the jar through the week–the only stipulation being that they need to be labeled for the correct person.  You can also fix this by having several jars (this will make it more obvious who isn’t receiving anything, and who you may have to help).  At the end of the week, each person gets to open his fan mail.

Decorating lunch bags, anyone?  Love notes?  Decorating a child’s actual lunch with carrot noses and green pepper smiles?

Plan dates with your child, just one parent with one child.  Treat it as a special occasion.  Dress up.  Ask them about school, about their day, about something they love–without jumping in with bossy statements or judgments.  Just listen and affirm.  “Wow, you sound busy.”  “I’m glad you like hockey.”  Ask them how they feel.  “Are you enjoying soccer as much as you thought you would?”  “What do you like about soccer?”  Reading a book with them or having a special dessert together is time, and sometimes it’s as simple as that.

Do you still let your kids come into bed with you on Saturday or Sunday mornings?  This is one thing I craved as a child…and never got.  We snuggle with Liliana every weekend.  It’s one of my most favorite times of the week.

Go to the library and peruse the craft section.  Seriously, if you have elementary or high school-aged children, who wouldn’t love a good tie-dye party in your bathtub?  Or learning to knit?  Or learning to carve?  Or learning to make baskets?  If they’re computer savvy, let them come up with a great soundtrack to play as you’re doing these fabulous crafts.

Create family rituals specific to your family.  Vikings Game Days, anyone?  Full Moon hikes?  First Flower Sighting Day?  Emancipation Day?

Plan things to do with your child, like cooking her favorite meal or her favorite cookies.  There’s a palpable joy in creating, as you well know, and it will provide lots of talking and hugging time.  And if you’ve planned this to recover what you’ve lost with your child, force yourself to act in a loving way.  You’ll be surprised how he or she will respond, and perhaps your feelings will do a turn-about.

When you’re at the table, tell a roundtable story.  “There once was a rabbit named Fred, and he hated the fact that one ear was shorter than the other.”  Then, it’s the next person’s turn.  “No one shared his carrot with Fred.  Everyone laughed at Fred.”  Then, the next person.  “One day, he met Ginger, the squirrel, and Ginger said, “My tail is too fluffy, don’t you think?”  Etc.

Study up on how to transfer art onto t-shirts.  Back to the library.  Check out gobs of books on art–all kinds.  Let your kids look through the pictures and choose one they want on a t-shirt.  Somehow this says something about them, and they’ll appreciate it much more than if you chose something for them.  Who knows?  They may want to know more about that artist whose work they’ve chosen.

Bottom line: every behavior you want from your child (please, thank you, kindness, love, affection, sharing, truth, joy) has to be modeled by you.  If they don’t see it, they won’t do it.  It’s really that simple.  You can’t help the times they’re “off” when they’re in public (wouldn’t you know it?…that’s always the time they act up), but be consistent, and they’ll grow into adults who can think for themselves and who will, ultimately, make their own choices of who they will be.  You can’t control that.

End note: My husband has recently started throwing around the idea of taking Liliana to Paris some day–just him and her.  We recently read a story about how Gwyneth Paltrow’s father took her to Paris when she was a child.  He took her to museums, restaurants, and gardens.  He asked her if she knew why he took her, and she said no.  He said he had wanted her first trip to Paris to be with a man who would always love her, no matter what.  That stuck with us.  So, Liliana’s first trip to Paris will be with the one man in her life that will always love her unconditionally.  Don’t you think these kinds of things speak volumes to a child?

Now, please, feel free to add more below.  I want to hear your ideas!

[Post image: Liliana feeding the birds with Papa]