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The Work

Yesterday in the comments I mentioned that part of feeling compassion (and I would add to that–forgiveness and love and peace) stems from your ability to change your perspective on things.  With any therapist I’ve ever been to, the first two questions I’ve always asked (because of the tremendous pain I’ve felt over the years) are: (1) What is forgiveness? and (2) How do I get to the place where I feel it?  I was tired of the Christian command to forgive when all around me I saw people saying they had forgiven, but they were so eaten up with anger that it was affecting them, their spouses, and their children.  What gives?

I can only speak from personal experience, but I know that writing my memoir was one of the best things I ever did for myself (even though it never saw more readers than my agent and the publishing houses he sent it to).  The whole writing process of that book, including the therapy that accompanied it, made me revisit some very dark moments in my life (and those of my siblings).  But even though the revisiting was full of grief, I slowly “owned” the truth, grieved it, and accepted it.  Those three things were key to my happiness, and they didn’t happen overnight.  It took years.  [And truth be told, I still get waves of grief at the most inopportune times.  It’s obviously a process.]

Of course, whether any of us like it or not, there’s always a source to our unhappiness.  We may not know it, though, if we have not stated it–out loud–bluntly.  We may not know it, if all we’re doing is acting in a rote way.  It’s something we’ve always done; why should (or would) we change it?

I’m here to tell you that if you are unhappy about money or prejudice or spousal abuse or loss or family issues or not-being-loved or pain or anything else, there’s a reason hidden in that noggin and heart of yours, and unless you ask yourself the hard questions and feel that pain at its source, you cannot change.

So, the bigger question is: do you want happiness?  Do you want to feel these things you hear so much about: compassion, love, forgiveness, peace, joy, contentment?  If the answer is “yes,” you have some hard and uncomfortable work ahead.  You have to descend into the truth, wherever it is within you, and pull it out and take a hard look at it and state it out for what it is.  “My father didn’t love me.”  “My spouse puts the hours in, but he’s not here with his body and soul.”  “My children are little demons.”  “I don’t feel cherished.”  “I feel like a failure because I’m not making as much money as fill-in-the-blank.”  The list goes on and on.

Now you have to determine if it’s the entire truth.  How else might you think about those questions?

The best website I’ve seen on this (and full disclosure: I’ve just discovered Byron Katie, and have not read her book yet), is Byron Katie’s site called The Work.  When you go to her site, you’ll see a selection of videos labeled with various “unhappinesses.”  If you click on one that seems interesting to you, you’ll see an actual dialogue with a willing volunteer on how to “work through” a certain question.  If you’re a skeptic, it’s not for you.  But if you want to change your life, it will make complete sense to you, once you’ve listened to someone struggling to make sense of their issue.

If you’d rather not spend the time watching 4 to 7 minute videos, then go at least go to her “Judge Your Neighbor” worksheet, so you can see how the process works.  It’s really very simple, and it can transform you in a matter of minutes.

If you want to go further, go here to see how The Work (what Byron Katie calls her process) is actually done.

I’m living proof that a crushed spirit can become whole and renewed.  That you can have happiness if you work hard at being honest with yourself and others.

Really, you have to go through the dark night of the forest before you can enjoy the sunny meadow on the other side.  It’s the only way.  BUT, imagine enjoying the meadow, not thinking all those crippling thoughts you once did.  Imagine the freedom and joy of basking in the warmth of the sun and the scent of the flowers.  Finally.  You’ve come home.

[Post image: Byron Katie]

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