A while ago, when I posted about gratitude, my cousin Kristina recommended another book called Sleeping with Bread: Holding What Gives You Life.  She mentioned that she and her husband use its principles each night with their kids.  [Thanks, Kristina!]

Although the book includes a lot of overlap, it distills beautifully what should be a daily practice–whomever you choose to share it with.  The ritual is powerful…and simple.

The title of the book comes from the remedy someone hit upon for the World War II child refugees who had lost so much they could not sleep at night.  The children were given bread to hold, reminding them that they had eaten today, and tomorrow they would also.

To reenact this exercise–to remind ourselves of what we have and who we are–we can ask two basic questions of ourselves on a daily basis (it’s up to you when you do this).

For what moment today am I most grateful?
For what moment today am I least grateful?

The questions can be altered to fit your circumstances (the following are from the book).

When did I give and receive the most love today?
When did I give and receive the least love today?

When did I feel most alive today?
When did I most feel life draining out of me?

When today did I have the greatest sense of belonging to myself, others, God and the universe?
When did I have the least sense of belonging?

When was I happiest today?
When was I saddest?

What was today’s high point?
What was today’s low point?

Of course this self-reflection does all the things you think it would do for you (if that’s the only reason you’re doing it), but it has some bonus benefits (if you’re looking at the pros and cons of it).

If you are least grateful for your job day after day, let’s say, you might wake up one day and think, “You know, I really should change my job.”  Aha!

If you find something that you are repeatedly finding makes you happy, you might say, “You know, I should really do this on a more regular basis.”  Aha!

If you find yourself uncomfortable with an issue that has surfaced (because of the questioning), you might want to ask yourself where it comes from.  How does your body feel?  Reach out and care for it…for yourself…when that happens.  Your body might be trying to tell you something.  Listen.

You might have to change the question.  Example: What helped me most with my pessimism and negativity today?  What helped me least with my pessimism and negativity today? Perhaps your negativity comes from feeling like you have to do something, rather than wanting to do it.  Perhaps it comes from feeling like people are walking all over you.  Now you’ll have to learn to say “no.”  Write down all the ways you can say “no” nicely.  For instance, “I would really like to help you out, but right now in my life, I’m focusing on doing a few things well, and since it’s a commitment I’ve made, I’m standing by it.”  Whew.  That wasn’t so hard, was it?

If you find yourself coming to conclusions that others (whom you admire) might not agree with, such as change of lifestyle or change of job or change of access, what do you do then?  Hmmm…can I just say that this one question is the one I’ve thought the most about in the last couple of days.  Here’s why.  There are things that I’ve said on this blog that have angered people.  There are things that others have said that have angered me.  And the tactic I’ve used in both instances is to be kind, yet honest…and sometimes self-deprecating, because it serves no one to be arrogant or cruel or sarcastic.  But the solution in the book goes deeper, and I think it’s a truer response.  I’ve noticed that the more I don’t know for sure, I’m less judgmental.  And this includes what is said about me (or not said).  The friends I’ve lost because of my beliefs.  The disgust and anger directed at me for even daring to write about Eve.

So.  Here’s what you do when you’re in that situation.  I’ll use an example to illustrate.  About nine months ago, I got an e-mail request from an old friend to reconnect via e-mail, but I was leery to do so because his e-mails had always been full of hate and pride and sarcasm, and I was not immune to his barbs.  So, I said, “Sure, I’d love to, but on one condition.  You and I must be kind to one another.”  He came back, spitting and fuming, “You’re trying to change me!”  I said, “No, actually, I’m not.  You can be mean all you want.  I just don’t want to be a part of it.  So, you must choose, in order to have a relationship with me.”  He wrote back, “Sorry, I can’t do it.  I’m, by nature, a mean and sarcastic person.”  Of course, I was angry and saddened, that someone could cut off a possible friendship because he or she couldn’t be kind.  Here’s what I should have done immediately.  Turn inward and ask myself why I was angry.  What unhealed hurt or need still lay in my life, to react this way, to trigger me in this way? Why couldn’t I let the rotten feeling fly away?  Why should it hurt me?

Kindness is not something that I knew growing up.  I knew sarcasm, mostly.  Certainly, there were moments of kindness, but I never felt known or heard.  Part of that has to do with my personality.  The other part is just a fact.  Still, to this day, I’m surrounded by people (including myself) who don’t know how to be kind.  It’s something that requires practice.  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.  She was kind is what I want people to say about me when I’m gone.  That motto is what drives my life.  So to hear someone actually voice that they didn’t want to be kind to me rankled me to no end.  [Easy now, Elissa…]  But again, that’s my issue, not theirs.  They can be any way they want to be.  My job is myself.  I laid the ground rules, and those rules were rejected.  Now I move on, focusing on what I can do, not what others can do.  You see?

So the next time you’re contemplating strangling someone, step back and ask yourself, “What unhealed hurt or need do I have in my life that this situation can trigger me this way?”  It’s about you, not him or her.

Best of all, in doing these questions, we become empowered to offer “bread” to others, because the more we’re living our lives mindfully, the more we can give others what they need.

Endnote (about something completely different!): Are any of you living in Las Vegas or the surrounding area?  I’ll be at the Town Square Barnes & Noble on Saturday, if you’re interested.  Information posted at my News & Events page.  More readings and signings for the Eve paperback are being added daily, so check back regularly!  I’m working on another event in Rochester as well.  Stay tuned.

Love to you all.