Well, Liliana and I went to the doctor this morning to get her bright pink cast off, and instead the doctor decided, after removing it and x-raying her thumb, to put another one back on–for two more weeks!  The bone is not healed yet.  Let me tell you.  The cast probably bothers us more than her.  We have the scratches and scars to prove it.  But, as you can see, she’s as happy as ever, and what more can we ask?

Recently, my friend Kelly sent me the most fascinating book called 10 Conversations You Need to Have With Your Children by Shmuley Boteach, the host of TLC’s Shalom in the Home. He’s a rabbi, counselor, talk-show host, and the father of eight children.  He dedicated the book to his son, Mendy, on the occasion of his Bar Mitzvah.  Can I just say that rarely do you get to read such a thoughtful account of parenting as this?  Get it.  Read it.  Absorb it.  I’ll give you a few examples to whet your appetite (from my dog-eared copy).

First and foremost, it stresses who the child is rather than what a child should do. For example, Boteach’s daughter had an altercation with her grandmother, in which her grandmother had asked her to do what the girl thought was a silly thing.  They had words.  The grandmother came down the stairs, crying.  Boteach pulled his daughter aside.  He could have told her to go apologize to her grandmother right then and there, but he didn’t.  This is what he said to her.  “Who do you want to be, Mushki?  Do you want to be the kind of person who is always healing a heart, who is always mending the wounds of a broken heart, or do you want to be someone who fragments a human heart?  You choose.  You can be one or the other, but you can’t be both.  Which will it be?”  The stress is on becoming a thoughtful and kind person.  “A child who is asked to think about the type of person he wants to be will begin changing on his own, without nagging and prodding.  But you have to inspire him to do so.”

Boteach includes a whole chapter on “bestowing dignity” on others.  He tells his children, “God gave you an infinite supply of dignity to bestow on other human beings.  You are a dignity-giver.  Within your person you possess one of the most incredible abilities of all–the power to make people feel special, that they truly matter–and it is your job to do so.  Over the course of your life, you must try to bestow dignity on as many people as you can.”  He quotes Dennis Prager, “the wise talk-show host and author” as saying, “The way to gauge someone’s morality is to see how they treat the people they don’t need.”  I couldn’t agree more.  This was one thing that my mother did very well, and still does–this treating everyone with love and care.  It didn’t matter who came into our house–the drunk neighbor, the talkative woman, the down-and-outer, or the missionary.  They all were treated the same way.

I loved his chapter on God.  Boteach is right when he bemoans the fact that Christianity doesn’t permit one to challenge God–at least my experience mirrors that.  To question God is blasphemy.  Islam is the same way.  “The word Islam literally translates as submission, to submit.  ‘God is always right.  God is great.’”  He continues, “Judaism takes a markedly different approach.  The word Israel translates, literally, into He who wrestles with God.  I like that.  And I liked it so much when I was researching for Eve that I jokingly told my husband Dan I was converting to Judaism–that’s how important I think wrestling with the questions is.

I liked the following story, too.  No matter your beliefs, we all want to impress doing the right thing upon our children.  That’s what good parenting is.  “The story is told of the Rabbi Zusya of Anipoli, who began to cry as he lay on his deathbed.  Many of his devoted students were gathered around him, and they asked him what had brought forth his tears.  ‘I’m afraid of what I’ll tell God when I meet him,’ he answered.  ‘You see, when God asks me, ‘Zusya, why weren’t you as great as Abraham?’ I’ll answer, ‘Lord, you did not make me Abraham.’  And when God asks, ‘Then why weren’t you as great as Moses?’ I’ll answer, ‘Lord, you did not make me Moses.’  But when He asks me, ‘Zusya, why weren’t you as great as Zusya could have been?’ I will have nothing to answer.’”

I would love for Liliana to be a kind, thoughtful, dignity-giver.  I would love for her to be able to choose the right thing, not necessarily the easy thing.  I would love for her to desire goodness, in all its forms.  It’s my dream for her.  But it’s up to us (Dan and myself) to direct and channel her by our questions, and especially by our actions.  She’ll need to learn that she cannot give others the power to tell her who she is.  She’ll need to learn that she alone can make that decision.  Who else can tell her this?  Not even I.

On another note, it’s imperative that we teach her about delayed gratification, control, and hard work.  She’ll need to see the hours Dan and I put in for a finished screenplay or a book, then watch while we get rejected time and time again, just to get one acceptance.  One of my friends was telling me that way back when, she and her husband were watching a documentary on some sort of subject (she couldn’t remember), but the narrator was explaining a test (of sorts) that they performed on young children.  They would sit them in front of a cookie, and they would say, “If you can hold out 15 minutes and not eat this cookie, we’ll give you two cookies to eat.”  Well, it turns out that the children who couldn’t wait were less successful, in the long run, than the children who could wait.  My friend and her husband tried it on their two kids, and sure enough, they had one of each–and over the subsequent years, the prediction has held firm.

Dan and I have had endless discussions about this, and one of the ways we’ve implemented it, even at Liliana’s age, is to set a timer for Liliana when she says, “Done,” and pushes her plate away at the table.  We began at 3 minutes, I believe, and are steadily increasing the number.  She has to sit at the table with us, while we’re talking (most often she joins in) until she hears the timer go off, at which time she can get down.  She’s done remarkably well, and I’m convinced this is the reason we’ve been able to go to nice restaurants already, with her in tow.  Of course, she doesn’t have siblings to “mess things up,” so that helps.  She’s only doing what we expect her to do.

Oh, the things you have to think about when you’re raising a child!  Not only what kind of person he or she will become, but what sort of person you will become.