I keep arguing with this book as I’m reading it, but Tolle makes some good points.  Things to think about.

I agree that we only have the now, the present moment.  If you believe in God and eternity, you have that, too, but you can’t live that part of your life now.  You can only live the present.  It’s the only thing that matters right now–and oh, by the way, how’s the present moment going for you right now?  Are you enjoying every sip of that coffee?  Tea?  Are you living every moment as though it’s your last?–because it is, you know.

I had a real problem, at first, with this statement: “It is impossible to have a problem when your attention is fully in the Now.”  Hmmm.  Well, I can be present and still have a problem, I said to myself.

But Tolle goes on to explain himself.  “A situation that needs to be either dealt with or accepted–yes.  Why make it into a problem?  Why make anything into a problem?  Isn’t life challenging enough as it is?  What do you need problems for?  The mind unconsciously loves problems because they give you an identity of sorts.  This is normal, and it is insane.  “Problem” means that you are dwelling on a situation mentally without there being a true intention or possibility of taking action now and that you are unconsciously making it part of your sense of self.  You become so overwhelmed by your life situation that you lose your sense of life, of Being.  Or you are carrying in your mind the insane burden of a hundred things that you will or may have to do in the future instead of focusing your attention on the one thing that you can do now.”

Then he goes on to explain that by creating a problem, we create pain, not only for ourselves, but for others around us.

He’s onto something here, I think.  “Some people get angry when they hear me say that problems are illusions.  I am threatening to take away their sense of who they are.  They have invested much time in a false sense of self.  For many years, they have unconsciously defined their whole identity in terms of their problems or their suffering.  Who would they be without it?….Should a situation arise that you need to deal with now, your action will be clear and incisive if it arises out of present-moment awareness.  It is also more likely to be effective.  It will not be a reaction coming from the past conditioning of your mind but an intuitive response to the situation.  In other instances, when the time-bound mind would have reacted, you will find it more effective to do nothing–just stay centered in the Now.”

Had I not done some tough therapy work on family and childhood issues, I wouldn’t have understood what he’s saying here.  Think of the holiday season that’s approaching, when you’re most likely to deal with family (and I use the word “deal” purposefully).  You know when you get together with family, you tend to revert back to your old habits–the way you talk, the way you respond, the way you joke?  And family members are the best at knowing what buttons to push.  It’s bound to happen.  BUT, and this is a big but, if you’ve done the hard work of realizing why you do something and what the other person is doing to you, it’s like watching a TV show with yourself as one of the characters.  If you’ve removed yourself from the situation enough, and can actually pull outside the TV box and view yourself from the outside in, it’s amazing how much those buttons don’t trigger you like they used to.  You’re behaving as you are NOW, not based on who you were THEN.  There is no history in the now, therefore there can’t be any triggering.  That’s ideal, of course.  There’s always a little residual hurt in there somewhere; it’s a process.

Think about it, at least.  You know you’re on the right track when you’re talking to someone (who does that triggering for you), and you can actually slow down your mind, and hear exactly what you’re saying, and how it’s making you feel.  The first step is awareness.  The second is talking yourself through it.  “This person is only bullying me.  This is his/her issue; not mine.  I choose not to be the brunt of it.  Here’s me walking away, saying that I really can’t talk right now.”  There.  You’ve done it.  You’re not slipping into the familiar, dysfunctional routine you’ve known since childhood.

It really does make for a happier holiday season.  I suppose the next step would be not showing up to your larger family gatherings…rather, staying home, which is quite all right, too.  It’s what Dan and I do most every year–not exactly for those reasons, but it makes for a quiet, sleepy, lazy day, rather than a running-around-with-your-head-cut-off day.

Ah, the holidays.  I’m looking forward to them.