Honey, let me tell you somethin’.  Listen to me now, because I’ve got a gold nugget of info for you, as precious as a Lindor truffle.  I know…I’m excited, too.  There’s a one-day retreat coming up in less than two months that you won’t want to miss.  It’s the Mother’s Plunge.  What’s that, you say?  “I’m not a mother”?  Well, heavens, you don’t have to be, even though you’d think it by the title!

You can read all about it here (and register at the same place!).

I’m giving away one free admission at the end of this post, so keep reading!

No fidgeting.  Really, sweetcakes, you’ve got to quit moving.  You’ve got ants in your pants!

I’m gonna ask you to close your eyes and listen real hard.  That’s right.  Now we’re getting somewhere…listen…listen…no peeking…

Now you can open your eyes.  Answer the following questions. Directions for tabulating your score will follow.  [Apologies to all the men taking the quiz.  The gender pronouns will be incorrect.  Change them as you read.]

1. When I closed my eyes, I heard:

1. My own flesh and blood whining/screaming/yelling.  It brings tears to my eyes every time.
2. A siren/truck/car/or the next-door boy who’s put those 3 x 5 cards in his bicycle wheel spokes.  Inner city, what can you do?
3. Birds chirping.  My oh my, it’s the only thing I hear these days.  I’m surrounded by peace and quiet!
4. The TV, which I’ve turned up to drown out all other sounds.

1. I would like very much to go to a one-day renewal retreat just for me, but:

1. I have a million and one things to do.  Besides, my family would crumble without me.  My husband can only fix one thing and that’s soup.  From a can.  And I have to hire a babysitter when he’s home.
2. To leave my house would be unwise.  Safety issues, you know.  Someone might break in.
3. I can’t leave paradise!
4. Do you even know what I’d be missing on Days of Our Lives?  Wait.  You say it’s on a weekend?  Well, what about That’s So Raven or Hannah Montana?  Girlfriend, you can’t be serious!

1. I really can’t go because:

1. It’s really too much money to be spending on myself.  Really, the last time was…2004…and that was when my husband said I could get a manicure…for his brother’s wedding.
2. I’m unsure of how I’m going to get to Assisi Heights.  Car?  Bus?  Bicycle?  Walking?  I need to figure out which would get me there in one piece.
3. Saturday mornings I wake up to a clean house, have Bavarian Strawberry Waffles for breakfast, lie around looking at all the magazines I’ve saved up, eat a fab lunch, then take a 2-hr nap, then watch a George Clooney movie (swoon!), have a fab dinner (cooked for me by my husband…who’s been watching the kids all day), then walk outside my front door to watch the sunset.  Explain to me, please, why I need a retreat?
4. There’s a re-run of Friends on that day, and I hear it’s the one where Ross and Rachel hook up.

If you answered mostly “a,” then you’re in a prison of your own choosing, darling, and it’s time to take a risk and face the world.  Your children will be fine.  Your husband will be fine.  Nothing will happen during the 6 hours you’re gone, at least nothing that an ER visit can’t fix.

If you answered mostly “b,” then, my dear girl, have you heard about locking your door?  Or calling a neighbor to watch your house?  Or buying a pit bull?  Okay, just joking on that last one.

If you answered mostly “c,” what is the color of the sky in your world?  Oh, and pssst, where do you live?  I want to visit.

If you answered mostly “d,” follow my instructions closely.  Stand up.  Turn off the TV.  Get someone to help you lift the dang thing.  And THROW IT OUT THE WINDOW.

See?  Isn’t that easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy (as my friend Abigail likes to say)?

Here’s the flyer I’m posting around town.  Feel free to download and print, if you’d like.

The paragraph reads:

“Before you lose yourself in the flurry of the season, take one day all for yourself.  Personal encouragement, spiritual refreshment, easy laughter, beginning meditation, mindfulness practices and a whole new view, all offered in the quiet calm of the Assisi Heights Spirituality Center, a place to put trouble to rest.  Join Karen Maezen Miller, Elissa Elliott and Taiha Wagner for inspiration and advice you can put to use as soon as you get home.  Open to all women, men, mothers and others!”

Doesn’t that sound lovely?

So what are you waiting for?

I’ll dangle a little carrot.  I’m giving away one free $75 admission fee, which covers the retreat, morning coffee, and a casual lunch.

How can you resist now?

Just comment below, stating your interest, or e-mail me at comment4elissa at gmail dot com, and I’ll put your name in the hat.  Deadline: this Saturday, August 29th, at midnight CST.  I’ll crown the winner on Sunday, the 30th.  Stay tuned.

Come on, do this one thing for yourself.  You’ll be grateful you did!